Instructions for the Utilisation of the Intra-Nostril Anti-Snoring Calliper.

Please read these instructions carefully and in full before carrying out any of the operations.

Take a sedative.

Take a deep breath. Hold the breath.

Take the object and hold it beneath one of your nostrils – it doesn't matter which one, as research suggests that the phenomenon is always symmetrical.

Extend the slider into your nose – don't worry; it is made of thin metal for this very purpose.

Take it easy.

When you feel pain, stop, and secure the slider at the position where it has started to impinge against your internal protuberance.

Take the reading. Breathe out.

Pray hard. To whatever god you support. Think of the number on the scale. Concentrate hard. It is essential to communicate the exactly correct measurement to your brain, and as a result to configure it in an appropriate fashion.

Look hard. Close your eyes and gaze into your brain. Ensure that your vision of the distance between the protuberances of your brain matches the measurement that you have just taken.

There – the snoring will have abated tonight, and will not return, if you stay with the process. The object has done its work and no longer has any function for you: it has become decorative.

Place the object on the mantelpiece. Be careful about the angle at which you place it. Make sure that the inevitably disturbed nasal congestion does not run down too quickly. Avoid letting the substance touch and hence spoil the surface of the mantelpiece. We have observed that the particular type of marble that you have chosen for your mantelpiece is hard, but also slightly absorbent. Let the snot dribble slowly into the obscure angles of the device. Let it crust into whirls and edges. This will add to its decorative value. Rotate the device intermittently so that the snot catches the light evenly. The slider should remain locked at your reading. This is important. Your subconscious needs constantly to refresh itself with a reminder of the topography of the inside of your nose and also needs subsequently to remodel the bumps in your brain accordingly; otherwise, you will start to snore again.

However, it is essential that, to your conscious mind, the object remains purely ornamental. Do not fear – once you have carried out these instructions correctly, your conscious mind will have forgotten all this after the first night's sleep and these instructions will be rendered incomprehensible.

It is also essential that the object, having relinquished its utility, genuinely remains beautiful to you; otherwise, as has been previously attested by others, it will lack any qualification to remain in your house, which will cause you to reject it, fail to notice it, and start to snore again.

Do not touch the snot. To remain beautiful, to catch the light in a pleasing fashion, it is essential that its shape be formed purely by the breeze, the sun and gravity. That way, the essence of the room will be kept in balance.

Watch it solidify to intermingling patches of transparency, translucence and opacity.

Watch it shine in the light, draped on its thin metal cover, like newly budded life formed by the machine.

Continue to ensure that it catches the sun, but keep it away from permanent direct sunlight, so that the beauty of the muted greens and greys doesn't fade.

Remember that the object has no meaning, but also remember that even solely attractive objects have a reminder embedded within them, namely, in this case, that the world is, like dried snot, merely the waste product of a higher being, that the world is less elastic than it was, but also that the world is still beautiful.

Please sleep peacefully.

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