An Agricultural Rap

Everybody in the house, please say “no”!
Everybody in the house, please say “heavens, no”!

When I was born I was locked to the earth
Been agricultural since the day of my birth
Squeezed by the system like pig manure
As I searched for a footing that was hard and sure
But it was soft and squidgy every step of my life
But I oozed through school to a job and a wife
And a proud position on Daddy’s farm
That I fell right into without a single qualm
It was just another step along the family tree
To a total loss of my own identity
And I knew it was a sop
And I felt like a flop
Just a pretty boy fop
Who wasn't much cop
And they caught me on the hop
I was meant for the chop
There was nothing I could stop
I had to work for my pop
And I felt myself drop
Right through the slurry with the crust on top

Singing
Scissors scissors scissors!
scissors scissors scissors!
Stone stone stone!
stone stone stone!
Paper paper paper!
paper paper paper!
Chills you to the bone
No one hears you groan
When you’re all alone

So that's the life that I'm living now
Disseminate the bull, inseminate the cow
And remembering to get it the right way round
To avoid being trampled right into the ground
And I could never be hip
With this stiff upper lip
I’m about as street as month-old sheep dip
So though other rappers talk about bitches and hoes
I don’t like to fraternise with those
Yes other rappers talk about hoes fulfilling needs
But the only hoes I know are used to slice weeds
So that kind of talk just seems rather silly
I don’t call women “ho”, I prefer to say “filly”
And other rappers talk about bling and bitches
When I’m clearing ditches
When I’m up to my britches
Trying not to queer my pitches
When every twitch is monitored
By the kitchen witches
Try to get by without hitches
And I’m trying to avoid glitches
Then life don’t seem a rose bed of sparkling diamond riches

No life is hard and messy as a bovine infection
And down these mean lanes a man needs protection
Because life is a beast that’s erratic as the weather
So I carry a blade, in fact two joined together
But life takes your scissors and blunts them with stone
That walls you back in your discomfort zone
Life takes your stone and wraps it in paper
Stifles your zest and wrecks your capabilities
Life takes your paper, cuts it with its blades
Inflicts a mental wound that never ever fades
But I don’t like to cuss
Don’t like to make a fuss
Don't like to tussle
With the things that make me flustered
If life’s lost its lustre
Don’t be a sourpuss
Because it all comes round again like the Archer’s omnibus

Sing…

Scissors scissors scissors!
scissors scissors scissors!
Stone stone stone!
stone stone stone!
Paper paper paper!
paper paper paper!
Chills you to the bone
No one hears you groan
When you’re all alone
Sorry, don’t mean to moan
It just sort of lowers the tone
It could be worse, I own
The queen’s still on the throne