It’s all right if I go in, is it nurse? Thank you. How does he seem today? I understand. Yes, I’ll be as quiet as I can, but he’s a bit mutt and jeff nowadays, so I do have to shout a bit. But you’ve probably worked that out, haven’t you? Occupational hazard, I presume. Or age. Or age.
All right, let’s go. Let’s go.
ALPHO, CAN YOU HEAR ME? GOOD. HOW YOU F-FEELING?
LISTEN, ALPHO, THERE’S SOMETHING I’VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
SMILE IF YOU CAN HEAR ME AND UNDERSTAND, PET. GOOD. LISTEN, THERE’S A GIRL OUTSIDE. SHE’S WAITING IN THE CORRIDOR.
SHE’S F-FROM THEIR "NORTHERN" OFFICE, SHE SAID. NEVER HEARD OF NO NORTHERN OFFICE BEFORE, BUT STILL. SHE SEEMS REALLY NICE IN HERSELF BUT I’M PRETTY SURE THAT GORDON MUST HAVE ASKED HER TO COME. SHE SAYS SHE’S JUST CHECKING HOW YOU ARE BUT I PRESUME SHE’S JUST ANGLING TO F-FIND OUT WHETHER WE’RE EVER LIKELY TO TREAD THE BOARDS AGAIN. BUT, WE’LL SHOW HER, WON’T WE, PET? TAKE IT EASY. ALPHO, THE NURSE WANTS TO GIVE YOU YOUR MEDICINE, SO I’LL GO NOW. SEE YOU LATER. I’LL GO AND SPEAK TO HER THEN I’LL COME BACK. ALRIGHT? SLEEP TIGHT, LOVE.
Glad you could come, love. It’s nice to have a bit of support. It’s not often we’re honoured by a visit from the agency. What’s that? Oh, thank you. Never had a business card from the agency before, neither. Loads f‑from elsewhere, of course. I’ll add it to the collection. Sometimes I think we’ll paper one of the rooms with them. Not that we’re there, most of the time. How’s Gordon? Good. Good. What’s that? Well, I’m a little bit f-frightened, to tell you the truth. He’s doing all right, but he’s not recovering as quick as I’d have thought. He's been like this a week, now. Well, you probably know that - Gordon's been kept informed.
You haven't come at the best time, really; a lot of the time he's quite chatty on occasions really; he just needs to build his strength up. He’s not really able to see you today; he’s just had his medicine; he’ll be snoring away now.
What's that, love? No, f-fire away. Yes, we really have been together now f-for f-forty years – f-from age f-fifteen to f-fifty f-five as the act, married f-for thirty-f-five of them. Sorry, f-far too many effs there; I normally try and avoid them – it’s a little problem I have.
What’s that, love? Yes, always had that problem, with the effs, that is; well, since I started performing anyway; don’t know what it is causes it – means I mind me language, mind. What’s that? No, that’s no problem. F-funny that, isn’t it? It’s really strange how I stutter on me f-flippin’ effs when I speak but I can sing ‘em like a lark. Listen:
I’m fantastic Freddie from Frinton
I’m flatulent as a fat frog
I fart forty days and I fart forty nights
I float fast and free in my foul poison fog
My nerves are as frayed as fish fingers
Fried by some Frenchman from fair Fontainebleau
But I’m not a false friend who malingers
I fling gases at masses of folk then recur
I’m the fourth of the fabulous bringers
Forget gold, stuff your frankincense, forsake your myrrh
Though it flounders in fourth place should you care to inspect ‘em
My gift’s far more heartfelt - then forced through my rectum
I’m fantastic Freddie from Frinton
Farting faster by far than a five-furlong dog
Yes, I’m fantastic Freddie from Frinton
I’m flatulent as a fat frog.
See, no problem at all.
Sorry, nurse, it won’t happen again. Just a bit of tension, that’s all. Sorry. Sorry. It won’t happen again.